Inspired to "Do Life"

Ahh, the beginning of Lent.  Yet another time to make resolutions I may or may not keep in the next 40 days.  I just want to be “good,” meaning I want to come out of the next 40 days feeling as if I gave my diet and exercise regimens a good run for their money.  I’ve been doing the 5:45 am spin class the last two days, and other then actually rolling out of bed when the alarm goes off at 5 (or at least within ten minutes of it!), it’s not so bad.  I just don’t have time with my work schedule to be exercising in the afternoons, so I’m making it work for me.  I want to keep that up, but I don’t want to feel as if I failed if circumstances beyond my control (though somewhat expected) cause me to go out of town.  Keep at it.  I think that’s my goal for the next 40 days.

Finally got the chance tonight to catch up on some Tumblr reading, and E’s post really got me thinking.  It must be really hard to be friends with someone like me – someone who is always concerned about losing weight, someone whose diet dictates where we eat, someone who is always comparing themselves to others.  I do all the things she (and others) mention – including that wishing people saw the “skinny me.”  I wish that every time I see a guy check out another (skinnier) girl in the room (despite being married, we girls still want to feel appreciated!  ;-)).  I wish that every time I put on adorable heels and wonder if guys think I’m teetering on them.  I wish that every time I put on a bathing suit.  DefineDiana summed it up – “Losing weight is hard.  Being fat is hard.  Choose your hard.”

These are the days I remind myself why I’m doing this.  I’m doing this to find me, to free me.  I’m doing this to be the person I know I can be.  I’m worth it.  So are you.

Blar!  Too much time at work means NOT enough time at the gym.  Decided to go back on my diet to at least keep my weight in check (if not falling) while I’m booking 70 hour weeks.  Still need to get back to the training program though - 10K in June I’d like to be really ready for!  And the goal of being in a single digit size swimsuit doesn’t hurt either!  ;-)

Blar.  Hate being a downer.  Despite my 16-hour days this week, my eating has been decent (until today) and I haven’t put on any weight.  Crossing my fingers that this work thing lets up soon and I get my life back!

I hate failing, but I’ve failed at my weight loss. 

I love people, but I don’t know how to deal with them.

I need more patience, more determination and more faith.

Not a good week.  Did my Monday run and Tuesday spin class.

Worked 16 hours, skipped my Wednesday run.

Spent more hours at work, skipped the Friday run.

Went to the bar and hung with friends instead. 

Some days, I need sanity more than running.  Today was that day.

Prelim results from the 5K = 34:36!  My GPS watch time was shorter, but hey, still a PR.  Good weekend.

So, week 3 of my training plan has begun.  I’ve only missed one workout - the power outage one - so I’m feeling pretty good about it.  I’ve had a lot of opportunities to give up, walk away, or make excuses, but I haven’t.  I think it does have a lot to do with owning up here (even though no one knows this exists!), but also that my mindset has changed a little bit.  I will never be stick-thin awesome-metabolism girl, but I’m ok with that.  I’m handling it, I’m making it a priority.  People have much harder things to deal with in life.

I’m looking forward to my 5K this weekend.  It was the one canceled by snow-pocalypse last year, so I’ve never run the course.  I’m looking forward to seeing another stat added to my page too.  The little things… ya know.  =)

I have a trip coming up in April with friends, and the last time we went we spent a lot of time in the club.  I LOVE to dance, but have always felt self-conscious (and my husband’s not into it, so we rarely go).  I’m hoping to be in better shape by then so I can feel good in my “club clothes” and have a great time!

Had big aspirations for this Monday, but instead ended up with another 12-hour workday, an hour homeowner’s association meeting, and a 3-mile run.  I’m out of hours.  :-P

Feeling much better after yesterday’s cathartic post and freeing myself of the weight of school that was sitting on my shoulders.  I still think to myself, “You could have done one of the classes…” and then I tell that voice - resoundingly - to shut up.  Today is a good day.  I worked ~10 hours, did a 2 mile run, and still feel pretty good about the day.  The fact that I did drop the classes partially for my health was a motivating factor - these are the things I gave myself the chance to do.  This is the me I’ve giving a shot.  Good way to start the weekend!  ;-)

So can one have a perfectionist and pessimistic attitude all at once?  If I can’t be perfect, I don’t want to do it at all.  I’m having a hard time writing this down, because this is about 15 seconds after I decided to drop my two masters degree classes.  I can’t do it until tomorrow, but the decision - in my head - is made.  But why?  Because I can’t be perfect at them?  Yes… and no.  Because I don’t want to spend the time to be perfect at them.  Because it’s not important enough to me to give up my hubby time and gym time when I already have so little of both because of my overwhelming amount of work time.  Because I don’t need a second masters degree (obviously - I have one!) and I don’t need the added stress.  I’ve been working 12 hour days already.  In some ways, it’s realizing that I can’t be perfect, I can’t do it all, and I have to choose.  So I choose sanity.  I choose love.  I choose health.  I choose happy.

Blah - my blogs are BORING.  Ran this, spin that, work this, sleep that.  Kinda dull.  Let’s just say Tuesday = done.

I wonder some days if I will ever be one of “those girls.”  The kind of girl for whom exercise is cathartic, who doesn’t feel as if the day is complete without a run.  The one who runs in snow and sleet, the one who runs to relieve stress and gets “in the zone” so they lose track of the mileage.  Most days I never think I would be that girl, but it doesn’t dim my hope that one day I could be that girl.

Tonight’s training plan called for only 2 miles, 4-6 running and 2 walking intervals.  I stretched myself to do it in 5-minute increments at 6.0 mph (fast for my standards!).  It was a good run, but after 12+ hours at work, believe me when I tell you it was the absolute last thing I felt like doing tonight!  But I don’t want to give up on myself, I think I’ve spent far too many years doing that…

I was laying in bed tonight at 9 pm ready to make an early night of it, thinking to myself that after an 11-hour day (5:30 to 4:30) and a lot of stress, I deserved the pizza I ate for dinner and skipping my run.  Logic apparently was not applying to me this evening.  I haven’t even been back at it a week, and I was already giving up!  How dumb am I?!?  Granted, I was forced to abandon my run on Wednesday due to 6-8 inches of snow/ice/freezing rain and no power (I made it a whole 0.6 mile before the electricity went out), but I worked my butt off on my “rest day” shoveling.  And then I almost skipped tonight.  But I dragged myself out of bed and down to the basement and stuck out my 5-minute run/2-minute walk interval rotation for 2 miles as my training plan demands.  Tomorrow is rest or cross-training, so I’m going to do some form of the latter.  Wish I was in NYC doing the unofficial Do Life 5K - will be thinking of you all!  =)

Snow = like. Power outage = dislike. Treadmill with no power = dislike. Shoveling heavy wet snow = decent workout. Eh, it evens out. ;-)

Done.  60 minutes of spin class that kicked my a$$.  Chicken and mushrooms for dinner, likely yogurt for dessert, and off to be early for another 5 am day.  Gonna be a long week!  =)

So I’ve never been a person known for my patience, and running is no exception.  I picked out a 15K training plan a while back (half-marathon was too hard, 10K seemed too easy) and I gave up on it around Christmas.  At that time where I should have been making New Year’s resolutions, I was blissfully ignoring the new year.  So I pulled out the old 15K plan, dusted it off and posted it on the wall next to my treadmill.  Since it’s 15 weeks, it should get me through the rest of the dead of winter still running and making progress — IF I stick with it this time.  For some reason though, I gave up on it — and myself.  I guess that’s what hard about this, not just realizing you’re failing at this goal you set your mind to, but realizing that you are truly failing yourself…  your current self, and your future self, and the you you know you can be.

Ending the philosophical discussion for the moment… what’s too fast?  Day 1 of the 15K plan calls for 4-6 minute runs followed by 2 minute walks for 2 miles.  So I tried doing the 5-minute runs at 6.0 mph and the walks at 4.0 mph and could seriously only make a 4 minute run on my third rotation (meaning 5r/2w/5r/2w/4r/2w/2r = 2 miles, 22 mins).  So is 6.0 too fast for me?  Or was today just a bad day (side stitch too)?  Hrmm… who knew running could be complicated?  =)